There may be some underdeveloped narcissism in all of us, an Old Dominion researcher says in a new book.

But left unchecked in parents, unhealthy and excessive self-love or -admiration can affect their children into adulthood, according to Nina Brown, professor of educational leadership and counseling and the author of "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" (New Harbinger Publications, 2001).

Brown defines the Destructive Narcissistic Pattern (DNP), the specific topic of her book, as an inappropriate focus and preoccupation on (parents') own needs and desires, as well as a lack of empathy and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.

Parental narcissism is evident when a child only receives approval from a parent when the child meets the parent's expectation, as in the case of academic achievement, for example.

Another example is when the child has to do what the parent decides he or she needs to do regardless of child's interest - perhaps having to take piano lessons when the child is more interested in playing sports.

Brown's ninth book focuses on parents who make their children responsible for the parents' well-being instead of the opposite, which is commonly found in healthy parent-child relationships.

"The parent expects the child to take care of the parent's emotional needs, for example to make him or her feel good, feel better, feel powerful, etc.," Brown said. "Instead of the parent taking care of the child, the child is expected to take care of the parent."

Children of narcissistic parents "find it difficult or impossible to develop and maintain satisfying relationships," Brown noted. "They are either over-compliant or rebellious. They dread interaction with their parents and feel helpless over their reactions to the parents' demands, criticisms, etc."

The result of growing up in this manner is often distress, Brown said. Because it is a form of emotional abuse and it has happened since birth, the pattern is deeply internalized to the point the children can't conceive of living differently, she said.

In her book, Brown offers helpful techniques and exercises that adult children can use to recover from the effects of having lived with overly narcissistic parents.

She encourages children to focus on using emotional insulation and to engage in personal development, and she advises that they give up the fantasy that their parents will change.

"No matter what you say to these parents, they are not going to change," Brown said. "Confronting them does not work."

Instead, children should find ways to better cope with parents who criticize, blame or demean them. Those ways include deflecting, building the child's sense of self and accepting the parent as they are.

The DNP differs from healthy adult narcissism, which is characterized by creativity, empathy, wisdom, a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at oneself and delay gratification.

This is Brown's second book on the topic. She published "The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern" in 1998 (Praeger) and has done research in the field for six years. She has taught at Old Dominion since 1968.

Brown will give a talk titled "Recognizing a Destructive Narcissistic Pattern" Tuesday, March 27, for the Darden College of Education's Professorial Lecture Series.

The fifth of six presentations for the 2000-01 series, Brown's talk is scheduled for 12:30-1:30 p.m. in the Kiwanis Parenting Center of the Lions Child Study Center. It is free and open to the public.